There are always changes that come in life: new jobs, moving, relationship, marriage, children, etc. During marriage, these changes and transitions can be very stressful and taxing on a relationship. Specifically, the transition from "husband and wife" to "father and mother".
One of the most common times for divorce is between 2-5 years of being married. This is also the time that many couples begin to have children. Stress greatly increases during this time. The amount of sleep you get decreases, the amount of time you get to spend on yourself and with your spouse decreases, and it can be very challenging to continue to have the same marital satisfaction you did before baby.
So how can you avoid a decrease in marital satisfaction? I have 5 recommendations.
1) Plan carefully for the changes for each of you- While my wife and I do not yet have children, nor are we pregnant, we have discussed future changes in great detail. I am a firm believer that all conflict comes from miscommunication so we have always been really good at openly discussing problems or concerns with each other, and future children is no exception. I think that by talking about it long before it is an issue will greatly help when issues do arise.
2) Do not forget about your spouses needs- Both spouses should greatly take this one into consideration. I believe that I, as a husband, need to remember when the day comes that we have a small infant, that wife still needs help, even if she is a Child Development major and basically lives and breathes everything baby. And we both need to remember that we need to spend time together. That is one need that should not be ignored.
3) Look for opportunities to boost and support each other- This is one of those things that my wife and I have talked a lot about. She has so much more experience with babies and children than I do that I have expressed to her my worry of doing things wrong. When the day comes that we have a baby, I don’t want to feel stupid not knowing the same things she does. She can regularly teach me better ways to do something while not being condescending and I can encourage her by always letting her know how I appreciate how much she does for our baby and making sure she knows I think she is a good mom.
4) Take turns with both the fun and not-so-fun tasks- Moms should not be the only ones to change dirty diapers and dads should not be the only ones to get to have fun and play with the baby. Both parents need to be equally responsible for all tasks. I think this is one thing that would also greatly benefit by talking about it before the baby arrives.
5) Express love and appreciation freely and frequently- While I don’t know from experience yet, I know that being a new parent is hard. I know that there will have to be a great deal of love and appreciation shown to my wife so that she knows I see how hard she is working. I think the same goes for me, as well. I will need to be shown that she sees that I am trying my best to be a good dad and help in whatever way possible.
While it is sadly true that many couples have a difficult adjustment when bringing home a new baby, I also believe that it should and CAN be a bonding experience that can strengthen a marriage.
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