Transitions In Marriage: Avoiding the Baby Blues

There are always changes that come in life: new jobs, moving, relationship, marriage, children, etc. During marriage, these changes and transitions can be very stressful and taxing on a relationship. Specifically, the transition from "husband and wife" to "father and mother". 

One of the most common times for divorce is between 2-5 years of being married. This is also the time that many couples begin to have children. Stress greatly increases during this time. The amount of sleep you get decreases, the amount of time you get to spend on yourself and with your spouse decreases, and it can be very challenging to continue to have the same marital satisfaction you did before baby. 

So how can you avoid a decrease in marital satisfaction? I have 5 recommendations. 

1)    Plan carefully for the changes for each of you- While my wife and I do not yet have children, nor are we pregnant, we have discussed future changes in great detail. I am a firm believer that all conflict comes from miscommunication so we have always been really good at openly discussing problems or concerns with each other, and future children is no exception. I think that by talking about it long before it is an issue will greatly help when issues do arise. 

2)    Do not forget about your spouses needs- Both spouses should greatly take this one into consideration. I believe that I, as a husband, need to remember when the day comes that we have a small infant, that wife still needs help, even if she is a Child Development major and basically lives and breathes everything baby. And we both need to remember that we need to spend time together. That is one need that should not be ignored. 

3)    Look for opportunities to boost and support each other- This is one of those things that my wife and I have talked a lot about. She has so much more experience with babies and children than I do that I have expressed to her my worry of doing things wrong. When the day comes that we have a baby, I don’t want to feel stupid not knowing the same things she does. She can regularly teach me better ways to do something while not being condescending and I can encourage her by always letting her know how I appreciate how much she does for our baby and making sure she knows I think she is a good mom. 

4)    Take turns with both the fun and not-so-fun tasks- Moms should not be the only ones to change dirty diapers and dads should not be the only ones to get to have fun and play with the baby. Both parents need to be equally responsible for all tasks. I think this is one thing that would also greatly benefit by talking about it before the baby arrives. 

5)    Express love and appreciation freely and frequently- While I don’t know from experience yet, I know that being a new parent is hard. I know that there will have to be a great deal of love and appreciation shown to my wife so that she knows I see how hard she is working. I think the same goes for me, as well. I will need to be shown that she sees that I am trying my best to be a good dad and help in whatever way possible. 

While it is sadly true that many couples have a difficult adjustment when bringing home a new baby, I also believe that it should and CAN be a bonding experience that can strengthen a marriage. 

Preparing for Marriage-Love & Lovers

According to Robert and Jeanette Lauer in their book "Marriage and Family: A Quest for Intimacy", there are six different types of lovers. 

The Erotic Lover focuses on the physical, particularly the sexual, aspects of the relationship.

The Ludic Lover views love as a pleasant pastime but not something in which to get deeply involved.

The Storgic Lover has a quiet affection for one another and their relationship develop slowly and tend to be stable.

The Manic Lover is intensely preoccupied with the beloved, feels intense jealousy, and alternates between ecstasy and despair in the relationship.

The Pragmatic Lover may take careful stock of the other, consciously assessing the characteristics of the other.

The Agapic Lover acts of behalf of the well being of the other without demanding or perhaps even expecting any benefits in return.

When it comes to marriage, there are two types of lovers which I believe would make for a good marriage: the Storgic lover and the Agapic lover. 

The Storgic lover can be a benefit in marriage if this is how your relationship began, slowly and grew to be stable. Marriage is a life long (and in the LDS church, we believe it is for eternity), having a strong and stable relationship is essential.

Love is selfless. The Agapic lover thinks of their partner, not themselves. What better way to develop a good relationship with your spouse and then stabilize that relationship than to act selflessly based on their wellbeing. 

Gender and Family Life

Men and women, boys and girls, are different. Stereotypically, boys like big trucks, guns, and wrestling while girls stick with dolls, pink clothes, and tea parties. Fortunately, this is only a stereotype instead of a rule. There are many differences between men and women, specifically in the way they think, but we have reached a time where the line is completely blurred, if even still existent, regarding what "boys should do/like" and what "girls should do/like". 

Then what is the difference between men and women? What roles should each gender play in life, the family, and the world today? 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints released a statement entitled The Family: A Proclamation to the World regarding gender roles in relation to the family almost exactly 20 years ago. 

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. 

Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

Obviously there are exceptions in which would not allow for fathers to be the provider and mothers to be the stay-at-home primary care giver and thankfully we have prayer to help us to determine what the best decision for our personal situation would be. 

The role that each member of the family plays, not just mom and dad, effect the entire relationship of the family. That role is determined by many factors, but gender does make a difference. 

Social Class & Cultural Diversity

One of the facts of life is that we are all different. No two people are exactly alike. We all have different likes and dislikes, hobbies, interests, opinions, etc. A lot of these personal preferences come from how we were raised-family structure, religious upbringing, social class, region of the country, culture, etc.

There are many vastly different cultures around the world. Here in America, most of us seem to be so proud of our culture in thinking that we are the best and everyone else is missing out. There are a lot of instances that we are indeed truly blessed, but there are so many other cultures in the world that, in my opinion, have aspects to their beliefs and lifestyle that trump ours.

When it comes to two people creating a life together, culture can create some issues and slight bumps in the road. Sometimes, two cultures are so vastly different, that there may not seem to be a middle ground or a compromise between spouses. When marrying, in general, there are obstacles that need to be tackled in meshing your lives and differences together. But when different cultures are coming together, this obstacle can become even greater. Religion is often one of the most difficult cultural differences to work out between spouses if they don't have the same beliefs or upbringing on the religious aspect of their lives. It can cause a great deal of conflict between spouses when it comes to decision making, bringing children into the picture-will they attend church?-, holiday traditions, etc.

The beauty of different cultures is that we can learn from them. As we come to learn about and understand an aspect to another culture, we have the option to apply that into our lives to create the type of culture that you want your family to have. When faced with a challenge of joining two cultures, each party has the option to see the good in the other culture and it gives them the opportunity to create a new way of life or a new tradition that they would have never had if it weren't for that culture.

Understanding Family Dynamics

Lets talk about dynamics. In an engineering standpoint, dynamics is generally in reference to how a machine moves or changes and how it works based on previous input from other parts. When discussing family dynamics, it is more or less the same idea: how a family works together with other members of the family unit. 

The difference between the two is that in engineering, there is consistent answers. There is a math equation for everything and an exact answer which can be used to develop approximations to make a machine work. Within the family, however, there is not. Families interact differently depending on multiple variables and no two people or families are the exact same. It would be impossible to generate a type of dynamic that is true for everyone, so theories have been generated to attempt to explain family dynamics.

There are four theories regarding the family dynamics and perspective. 

Systems Theory-"focus on social systems and how their interdependent parts maintain order." In other words, this theory suggests that each and ever aspect of the family influences each other part. In class, Brother Williams demonstrated this by having several students stand up and hold hands in a circle. He pushed hard on one student as we watched all the other follow, pull, and strain. As one student would move as a result the outside pressure, each other student would move as well-some more than others. I felt that this did a great job of explaining this theory to me and I really came to see how families can be affected in this way.



Exchange Theory-"views social interaction as a cost-benefit analysis in which people try to keep their costs lower than their rewards." In other words, how does this relationship benefit me? And it what ways do I have to sacrifice something in my life in order to receive the benefits? The individual weighs the pros and cons of a relationship and often times if the benefits dont outweigh the costs, people are likely to avoid the person or break off the relationship. 



Symbolic Interaction Theory-"views humans as cognitive creatures who are influenced and shaped by their interaction experiences." In other words, what happens in interaction is a  result not merely of what individuals bring to it, but also of the interaction itself. One aspect of this theory is definition of the situation. If the situation is defined as real, it will have real consequences-our interpretation of the situation is just as important as anything else that is true about the situation itself. 



Conflict Theory-"focuses on contradictory interests, inequalities, and the resulting conflict and change." In other words, these groups have different interests, needs, and goals which can even be contradictory with one another and thus cause conflict. Not everyone can be satisfied because of the things that people are striving for. This theory is seen in explanations that focus on two types of groups: social class and gender.