Divorce and Remarriage

Getting a divorce is so common in today's society that rarely anyone even gives it a second thought when they hear about someone going through one. It's so common that its estimated that 50% of marriages will end in divorce. How sad it is to live in a world where the vows and bonds of a marriage can so easily be thrown away and disregarded!

We live in a time where people rarely know how to work at keeping something working anymore. When the going gets tough, people bail out instead of doing what it takes to stay together. Not only is this truth just a sad and unfortunate ordeal, its also extremely damaging to our children and future generation. 

Many children come from "broken homes", most of which grow up just fine. They are working, functioning, "normal" adults. But what people don't realize is all the negative impact divorce has on a child. Everything from failing in school to girls dating older men at a younger age has been linked to parental divorce. Many children who have parents who divorced are actually more likely to get a divorce themselves one day. 

There are of course instances where divorce is essential--abuse and infidelity being at the top of the list--however, we must teach our children and the rising generation that this is a LAST resort, an action taken ONLY after everything other option has been exhausted. 

Considering that 70% of people who divorce end up regretting it, wouldn't it be worth a little extra time and effort to patch up a few tears in a relationship rather than living with pain and regret from one that you let go? 

Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? 

A question that many agree on, yet have different views on the best way to achieve that purpose. In my opinion, the purpose of parenting is to provide, protect, and teach your children. 

Your responsibility as a parent is to provide for the physical and emotional needs of the child. 

Your responsibility as a parent is to protect them from physical and (within reason) emotional harm. Of course, it is not possible-and probably actually damaging to their future-to protect them from everything that could EVER possibly hurt them emotionally.

Your responsibility as a parent is to TEACH them. I think this is one responsibility that is being put on the back burner more and more frequently today. Parents are turing to teachers and other important people in the child's life to raise them. But their are missing what I believe to be the most important part of being a parent! Being the primary person in the child's life, you have the greatest capability of shaping and molding them into the person that will one day go out into society as an adult. You teach them how to work, how to cope with emotions and stress, how to respect others. Without this so very important task, our children will be lost. 

I cannot wait to become a father and get to provide for them, protect them, and teach them. 

Fathers & Finance

Working mothers.

Many women do it. Some want to work outside of the home, some have no other choice. What is the best situation for a family? For the children?

Often times, mothers go out into the work force to help support the family in time of need. When mothers leave the home, childcare now has to be arranged. If family does not live in the area, typically child care ends up being a private babysitter/nanny or a daycare facility. Child care, no matter if it is public or private, can get extremely expensive, especially with multiple children! When the added expense of child care, transportation, and meals outside the home are taken into account, many mothers end up not contributing to the finances in the home, but rather result in taking time away from their children.

Many people, women especially, feel that being a stay-at-home mom is a waist of time and a waist of a college education. College is expensive, yes. But no matter what was spent on earning whatever degree, it is never a waist. Perhaps you won't be working and making a difference to a company, but you would be making a difference in the lives of your children. There is always something that will come from any kind of education that will benefit children.

Parents are children's first teachers. Being an educated homemaker will help mothers be better teachers for their children. Is has also been proven that educated parents have better relationships with their spouses and their children.

Want to be a stay at home mom but still get some kind of intellectual stimulation? There are many options for you! Who is to say that you cannot still continue your education? There are places online that you can take FREE college courses from Universities like Harvard and Stanford.

If working out of the home is necessary for you or you just prefer to work, by all means, do what you feel you should, but in my opinion, a mother in the home is significantly greater than a mother in the workforce.

Communication & Mutual Problems

I'm a firm believer that *most* contention comes from miscommunication. Often times, people do not speak their mind, missing opportunities for them to share their true feelings about a situation. When this happens, the other person is not acting with a complete knowledge of the situation at hand, leaving room for feelings to get hurt and contention to occur.

During class discussion this week, we learned just how important it is to communicate; especially with our spouses and family.

I've learned this lesson extremely well with my wife. When we first started dating, whenever there was a problem between the two of us, she would shut down and refuse to tell me her true feelings and what was upsetting her. It was incredibly difficult to solve problems that would arise because I did not know what her thoughts and feelings were.

As we have been together longer and are now married, thankfully our communication problems have greatly decreased! She is much better at telling me (quickly, too!) her feelings and I have become much better about listening.

The Family Under Stress

All families encounter crisis and conflicts. It's inevitable. Stresses can be anything from financial stress, loosing a job, having and raising children, or even the death of a loved one. The extent of the conflict or crisis vary between families, as well as does the reaction and result of the family and the dynamic.

There are really two results that can occur after a family crisis: A centrifugal serial (families pull away from each other) or a centripetal serial (families come closer together). The hope is that families grow closer together and have a stronger bond because they have experienced a crisis together and have worked through it the best way possible.

The reality is that stress is a good thing. It is necessary. Through stress and crisis, we can learn how to learn and grow together as spouses and families. We also grow as an individual. Many people believe that having stress in their life is bad, that it is harmful to their psyche. But the truth is that stress is only bad when you believe that it is bad, that it is negatively effecting you. If you recognize that stress in life in necessary and beneficial, you can not only have a better attitude about the challenges in your life, but also can actually help reduce the stress you feel because of your stress!

Sexual Intimacy and Family-Affair Prevention

Unfortunately, many relationships and marriage end because of infidelity. Cheating is not something that is unheard of. There are many marriages that I know of personally that have ended because one person became too close to someone other than their spouse.

Intimacy with anyone other than your spouse is wrong. But of course, most people would argue that they would never do something like this, that they love their spouse. However, cheating is typically not something that occurs randomly with a complete stranger. Most often, a husband or wife will develop a close relationship with a co-worker or friend that grows to the point of having strong feelings for the other. These feelings of intimacy can lead to physical intimacy and infidelity, ruining a marriage.

I think it is important to recognize that not only is physical intimacy with someone other that ones spouse is cheating. We learn in the Bible that "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). I also believe that even having strong feelings towards another, is cheating.

Couples should be careful to avoid close relationships with those of their opposite gender. Especially limiting alone time with them. Spouses are intended to be each others better half, best friend, and the person that you want to be with the most. When those feelings and actions begin to change, its important that it is recognized and the utmost effort it put into making your spouse a priority again.

Transitions In Marriage: Avoiding the Baby Blues

There are always changes that come in life: new jobs, moving, relationship, marriage, children, etc. During marriage, these changes and transitions can be very stressful and taxing on a relationship. Specifically, the transition from "husband and wife" to "father and mother". 

One of the most common times for divorce is between 2-5 years of being married. This is also the time that many couples begin to have children. Stress greatly increases during this time. The amount of sleep you get decreases, the amount of time you get to spend on yourself and with your spouse decreases, and it can be very challenging to continue to have the same marital satisfaction you did before baby. 

So how can you avoid a decrease in marital satisfaction? I have 5 recommendations. 

1)    Plan carefully for the changes for each of you- While my wife and I do not yet have children, nor are we pregnant, we have discussed future changes in great detail. I am a firm believer that all conflict comes from miscommunication so we have always been really good at openly discussing problems or concerns with each other, and future children is no exception. I think that by talking about it long before it is an issue will greatly help when issues do arise. 

2)    Do not forget about your spouses needs- Both spouses should greatly take this one into consideration. I believe that I, as a husband, need to remember when the day comes that we have a small infant, that wife still needs help, even if she is a Child Development major and basically lives and breathes everything baby. And we both need to remember that we need to spend time together. That is one need that should not be ignored. 

3)    Look for opportunities to boost and support each other- This is one of those things that my wife and I have talked a lot about. She has so much more experience with babies and children than I do that I have expressed to her my worry of doing things wrong. When the day comes that we have a baby, I don’t want to feel stupid not knowing the same things she does. She can regularly teach me better ways to do something while not being condescending and I can encourage her by always letting her know how I appreciate how much she does for our baby and making sure she knows I think she is a good mom. 

4)    Take turns with both the fun and not-so-fun tasks- Moms should not be the only ones to change dirty diapers and dads should not be the only ones to get to have fun and play with the baby. Both parents need to be equally responsible for all tasks. I think this is one thing that would also greatly benefit by talking about it before the baby arrives. 

5)    Express love and appreciation freely and frequently- While I don’t know from experience yet, I know that being a new parent is hard. I know that there will have to be a great deal of love and appreciation shown to my wife so that she knows I see how hard she is working. I think the same goes for me, as well. I will need to be shown that she sees that I am trying my best to be a good dad and help in whatever way possible. 

While it is sadly true that many couples have a difficult adjustment when bringing home a new baby, I also believe that it should and CAN be a bonding experience that can strengthen a marriage.