Fathers & Finance

Working mothers.

Many women do it. Some want to work outside of the home, some have no other choice. What is the best situation for a family? For the children?

Often times, mothers go out into the work force to help support the family in time of need. When mothers leave the home, childcare now has to be arranged. If family does not live in the area, typically child care ends up being a private babysitter/nanny or a daycare facility. Child care, no matter if it is public or private, can get extremely expensive, especially with multiple children! When the added expense of child care, transportation, and meals outside the home are taken into account, many mothers end up not contributing to the finances in the home, but rather result in taking time away from their children.

Many people, women especially, feel that being a stay-at-home mom is a waist of time and a waist of a college education. College is expensive, yes. But no matter what was spent on earning whatever degree, it is never a waist. Perhaps you won't be working and making a difference to a company, but you would be making a difference in the lives of your children. There is always something that will come from any kind of education that will benefit children.

Parents are children's first teachers. Being an educated homemaker will help mothers be better teachers for their children. Is has also been proven that educated parents have better relationships with their spouses and their children.

Want to be a stay at home mom but still get some kind of intellectual stimulation? There are many options for you! Who is to say that you cannot still continue your education? There are places online that you can take FREE college courses from Universities like Harvard and Stanford.

If working out of the home is necessary for you or you just prefer to work, by all means, do what you feel you should, but in my opinion, a mother in the home is significantly greater than a mother in the workforce.

Communication & Mutual Problems

I'm a firm believer that *most* contention comes from miscommunication. Often times, people do not speak their mind, missing opportunities for them to share their true feelings about a situation. When this happens, the other person is not acting with a complete knowledge of the situation at hand, leaving room for feelings to get hurt and contention to occur.

During class discussion this week, we learned just how important it is to communicate; especially with our spouses and family.

I've learned this lesson extremely well with my wife. When we first started dating, whenever there was a problem between the two of us, she would shut down and refuse to tell me her true feelings and what was upsetting her. It was incredibly difficult to solve problems that would arise because I did not know what her thoughts and feelings were.

As we have been together longer and are now married, thankfully our communication problems have greatly decreased! She is much better at telling me (quickly, too!) her feelings and I have become much better about listening.

The Family Under Stress

All families encounter crisis and conflicts. It's inevitable. Stresses can be anything from financial stress, loosing a job, having and raising children, or even the death of a loved one. The extent of the conflict or crisis vary between families, as well as does the reaction and result of the family and the dynamic.

There are really two results that can occur after a family crisis: A centrifugal serial (families pull away from each other) or a centripetal serial (families come closer together). The hope is that families grow closer together and have a stronger bond because they have experienced a crisis together and have worked through it the best way possible.

The reality is that stress is a good thing. It is necessary. Through stress and crisis, we can learn how to learn and grow together as spouses and families. We also grow as an individual. Many people believe that having stress in their life is bad, that it is harmful to their psyche. But the truth is that stress is only bad when you believe that it is bad, that it is negatively effecting you. If you recognize that stress in life in necessary and beneficial, you can not only have a better attitude about the challenges in your life, but also can actually help reduce the stress you feel because of your stress!

Sexual Intimacy and Family-Affair Prevention

Unfortunately, many relationships and marriage end because of infidelity. Cheating is not something that is unheard of. There are many marriages that I know of personally that have ended because one person became too close to someone other than their spouse.

Intimacy with anyone other than your spouse is wrong. But of course, most people would argue that they would never do something like this, that they love their spouse. However, cheating is typically not something that occurs randomly with a complete stranger. Most often, a husband or wife will develop a close relationship with a co-worker or friend that grows to the point of having strong feelings for the other. These feelings of intimacy can lead to physical intimacy and infidelity, ruining a marriage.

I think it is important to recognize that not only is physical intimacy with someone other that ones spouse is cheating. We learn in the Bible that "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). I also believe that even having strong feelings towards another, is cheating.

Couples should be careful to avoid close relationships with those of their opposite gender. Especially limiting alone time with them. Spouses are intended to be each others better half, best friend, and the person that you want to be with the most. When those feelings and actions begin to change, its important that it is recognized and the utmost effort it put into making your spouse a priority again.

Transitions In Marriage: Avoiding the Baby Blues

There are always changes that come in life: new jobs, moving, relationship, marriage, children, etc. During marriage, these changes and transitions can be very stressful and taxing on a relationship. Specifically, the transition from "husband and wife" to "father and mother". 

One of the most common times for divorce is between 2-5 years of being married. This is also the time that many couples begin to have children. Stress greatly increases during this time. The amount of sleep you get decreases, the amount of time you get to spend on yourself and with your spouse decreases, and it can be very challenging to continue to have the same marital satisfaction you did before baby. 

So how can you avoid a decrease in marital satisfaction? I have 5 recommendations. 

1)    Plan carefully for the changes for each of you- While my wife and I do not yet have children, nor are we pregnant, we have discussed future changes in great detail. I am a firm believer that all conflict comes from miscommunication so we have always been really good at openly discussing problems or concerns with each other, and future children is no exception. I think that by talking about it long before it is an issue will greatly help when issues do arise. 

2)    Do not forget about your spouses needs- Both spouses should greatly take this one into consideration. I believe that I, as a husband, need to remember when the day comes that we have a small infant, that wife still needs help, even if she is a Child Development major and basically lives and breathes everything baby. And we both need to remember that we need to spend time together. That is one need that should not be ignored. 

3)    Look for opportunities to boost and support each other- This is one of those things that my wife and I have talked a lot about. She has so much more experience with babies and children than I do that I have expressed to her my worry of doing things wrong. When the day comes that we have a baby, I don’t want to feel stupid not knowing the same things she does. She can regularly teach me better ways to do something while not being condescending and I can encourage her by always letting her know how I appreciate how much she does for our baby and making sure she knows I think she is a good mom. 

4)    Take turns with both the fun and not-so-fun tasks- Moms should not be the only ones to change dirty diapers and dads should not be the only ones to get to have fun and play with the baby. Both parents need to be equally responsible for all tasks. I think this is one thing that would also greatly benefit by talking about it before the baby arrives. 

5)    Express love and appreciation freely and frequently- While I don’t know from experience yet, I know that being a new parent is hard. I know that there will have to be a great deal of love and appreciation shown to my wife so that she knows I see how hard she is working. I think the same goes for me, as well. I will need to be shown that she sees that I am trying my best to be a good dad and help in whatever way possible. 

While it is sadly true that many couples have a difficult adjustment when bringing home a new baby, I also believe that it should and CAN be a bonding experience that can strengthen a marriage. 

Preparing for Marriage-Love & Lovers

According to Robert and Jeanette Lauer in their book "Marriage and Family: A Quest for Intimacy", there are six different types of lovers. 

The Erotic Lover focuses on the physical, particularly the sexual, aspects of the relationship.

The Ludic Lover views love as a pleasant pastime but not something in which to get deeply involved.

The Storgic Lover has a quiet affection for one another and their relationship develop slowly and tend to be stable.

The Manic Lover is intensely preoccupied with the beloved, feels intense jealousy, and alternates between ecstasy and despair in the relationship.

The Pragmatic Lover may take careful stock of the other, consciously assessing the characteristics of the other.

The Agapic Lover acts of behalf of the well being of the other without demanding or perhaps even expecting any benefits in return.

When it comes to marriage, there are two types of lovers which I believe would make for a good marriage: the Storgic lover and the Agapic lover. 

The Storgic lover can be a benefit in marriage if this is how your relationship began, slowly and grew to be stable. Marriage is a life long (and in the LDS church, we believe it is for eternity), having a strong and stable relationship is essential.

Love is selfless. The Agapic lover thinks of their partner, not themselves. What better way to develop a good relationship with your spouse and then stabilize that relationship than to act selflessly based on their wellbeing. 

Gender and Family Life

Men and women, boys and girls, are different. Stereotypically, boys like big trucks, guns, and wrestling while girls stick with dolls, pink clothes, and tea parties. Fortunately, this is only a stereotype instead of a rule. There are many differences between men and women, specifically in the way they think, but we have reached a time where the line is completely blurred, if even still existent, regarding what "boys should do/like" and what "girls should do/like". 

Then what is the difference between men and women? What roles should each gender play in life, the family, and the world today? 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints released a statement entitled The Family: A Proclamation to the World regarding gender roles in relation to the family almost exactly 20 years ago. 

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. 

Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

Obviously there are exceptions in which would not allow for fathers to be the provider and mothers to be the stay-at-home primary care giver and thankfully we have prayer to help us to determine what the best decision for our personal situation would be. 

The role that each member of the family plays, not just mom and dad, effect the entire relationship of the family. That role is determined by many factors, but gender does make a difference.